Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Forgotten Words and Possibly Some Regrets...

So, today I was browsing around the internet and came across an old blog of mine off Xanga. I started to read it and let me tell you, it was very interesting and at points I wanted to slap myself. There were these to posts that I wrote about my ex-boyfriend, that we will call KM. [Side note: I have recently become friends with his latest ex, T, and let me tell you, I love her. She is a remarkable person and so sweet and KM is a complete idiot to have let her go.] The one entry talks about the break we took in December of 2009. It lasted for 3 weeks. Well I stated:

"KM and I had a 3 week long break. I just couldn't take it anymore. He was being a douchebag and it didn't seem like he cared that I wasn't in his life anymore. However, one day we talked things through and we had an us day where he made me dinner (chicken with honey mustard and pasta) and we watched half of season 1 of True Blood. He surprised me by getting me a bouquet of bright pink, blue, green, purple, and yellow daisies. He also gave me my Christmas present which was a silver bracelet that has 3 hearts. The smallest heart says Today. The middle heart says Tomorrow. The largest heart says Forever. It's from Zales and rather pretty. =] So we talked and I told him that in order to give us another chance, I need things to be permanently different. There's not going to be a change for a couple weeks and then go back to how it was."

Only my downfall was that when things did go back to how it was, I stayed with him. I acted as though everything was hunky-dory. Things were not okay. He was treating me badly. He moved to a different state without discussing anything with me. One day he wasn't going up to Wisconsin until August and then the next day he told me he was leaving in 3 days. He didn't talk about how it was going to affect me and he EXPECTED me to move up there and live with HIM. As if my dreams and my schooling didn't matter. Instead of me majoring in English and minoring in Writing to work with a publishing company (which is a dream of mine) he told me that I could become a teacher. And for a while, I was thinking about it. I look back at that time in my life and I think, "Oh, honey, you had no lady balls. You didn't think for yourself." And I didn't. I was completely and utterly at his disposal and hate that. I gave him everything he could have dreamed for. I lost friends because for him. I disappointed my family for him. I lost the chance to see my dad one last time before he died, for KM.

Normally, when people ask me if I have regrets I say, "No, I don't regret anything in life because that is what makes you who you are today." But you know what? The God-honest truth of the matter is that I do regret one thing: Letting him take my independence away from me. But let me tell you one thing. I have learned my lesson. I will never ever again in my life let a man try to control me. If I don't have my independence, then that man is not for me. I found a man who is okay with my independence. Who loves me for my independence. Who respects me and my independence. KM didn't.

So, I kept on reading my old blog and came across the post I wrote after KM and I broke up. I want to slap myself. Here is what I wrote:

"So a lot has happened since I last wrote on here. For starters, KM and I broke up. And surprisingly, I'm okay with it. Actually, I'm more than okay. I realized that I was settling. I thought there was no one else out there. That I had no other options. That this was the best out there for me. A person who doesn't show up to family gatherings. A person who puts me down. Someone who is ignorant. And mean. Someone who doesn't care that them moving to a whole different state affects me. And then it hit me. I was sitting at Starbucks with Aaron and Laura and I had texted my friend, Sean, asking if he could bring me a McChicken because I was hungry. He came and brought me two. We started talking again that night. Really talking. We were on the phone for an hour catching up. I started thinking what would have happened if I had said yes to the date he asked me out on back in high school. Where would I be? Who would I be? Would he even give me another chance if anything went wrong? I asked him and he told me that I would make him the happiest person in the world. And of course he would give me another chance. Right then, I realized. I was not in the dark anymore. I had other options. Better options. Standing in front of my face for nearly three years was the man of my dreams. The man who could make me unbelievably happy. The man who would treat me with respect and treat me the way I'm supposed to be treated. A man who actually cares. A man who won't break my heart. Then it was like "why aren't I with him?" So I took a chance. KM and I were arguing about how I felt about him moving and he did not give two shits about how it was affecting me. He kept telling me that I was being selfish and I never sacrificed anything for him. And I just couldn't take it any more. He was putting me through hell and I did not deserve that."

I look back at that and I feel like I was an idiot. But then again, like I was telling T earlier, sometimes love makes you do crazy, stupid, idiotic things. When you love someone or think you love someone you can do stupid things. All of the above happened when I dated KM. Even though I regret letting KM take away my independence and my sanity, I will always treasure the lesson that I learned from being with him. And that is to not let anyone stomp all over me. Because I don't deserve that. No one does. 

But anyway, I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest. People can ask me, "Do you hate him?" And I can truthfully say that no, I do not hate him. It's pointless to hate him. I used to hate him. The only difference is that now, I don't let him affect me or phase me. If he wants to say mean things to me he can. It will just bounce right off me. 

I guess that is what happens when you grow. And I have grown. And I feel pretty damn amazing. And half of it is because of Sean and half of it is because I grew some lady balls and I got my independence back. For everything and everyone who has helped me through that rough time, I thank you. You are greatly appreciated. And I love you.


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